Sunday, March 25, 2007

Funny ol' time.

You know when you know that things aren't quite right and you know why, and you ignore it or you worry about it and try to ignore it and then eventually you can't ignore it anymore. Well, I've been through that for the past few months.

Nagging doubts, real heart pounding anxieties, sick feeling in your stomach, negative thoughts - the whole anxiety experience (sounds like a band). In fact reading this post reminds me and frankly I don't want (nor need) reminding. But what I discovered more than any other time previously is how I kept this worry going. I fed it and gave it life and made it grow. It also made me realise how anxious I had been in years gone by, I just didn't recognise it. I mastered it as a child - feeling very afraid a lot of the time and bravardo eventually won through. Could have been very different. My Mum helped.

In the end, I lessened the worry by being honest, with myself and others around me and that was such a relief. How powerful it is to be honest. To say what's on your mind, not in a harsh way - just in a way that is clear and straight forward. Then I started to remind myself of what's important. My Mum used to say, never lose sight of what's important, and I had. Life is simple and I was making it complicated. For the first time, I had to draw on my own resources, to pull myself back to the path that felt right. I had to try harder, to make more effort. I had often said it, but not really understood what that meant. It has something (a lot) to do with confidence. Knowing and believing that what you say and what you do has integrity.

And (for me at least) how right Domenica is - what ever the question - love is the answer.

I'm sure that I'll face harder more questioning times than I have recently - I just don't want to forget this lesson. So if I write it down I can refer to it later.

Right, that's that over with - going to plant some sweetpeas tomorrow - how fabulous. And I might plant some spuds if I can get the wood to make the boxes. Have spent all day thinking it was Saturday - bit of a blow, but never mind.

Just watched Jo Brand on Beeb 1 learning the organ - how incredible - what a woman. One of my claims to fame is that I met Jo Brand when she was performing in the Labour club in Rotherham, 17 years ago. She was just starting out, coz you don't come to Rotherham when you're BIG in showbiz. She was hilarious.

5 comments:

tone the blueshawk said...

That sounds very difficult and I'm glad you've made steps in resolving it. That sick feeling of realisation that washes over you on these occasions is a truly unpleasant sensation. And as for love and honesty - they lie at the centre of all.
I hope your sweetpeas flourish and smell magnificent, and your potatoes, when grown, mash marvellously.
And yes Jo Brand was wonderful on Sunday night - how she conquered her nerves I'll never know - she was on Desert Island discs last week and I felt really good that her taste in music coincided so closely with mine (why that's a good thing I don't know, but there it is). Take care of yourself - Tonexxxx

klahanie said...

Hi Emma-
What an open and honest blog. It takes a lot of courage to show other's that behind the 'bravado' is the raw and vulnerable side to humanity.
You are indeed right that when we are honest with ourselves and other's; we diminish the all-consuming worry that can control our lives.
I admire your assertion skills. It has been a pleasure meeting you. You have always been polite, courteous and respectful to me.
Emma you are a shining example of integrity. You will challenge any problems that you confront.
Behind the 'mask' that is bravado, lies the truth. The truth sets us free.
Have fun with your gardening exploits. May the gentle glow of a solar lamp give you calming stisfaction.
Kind regards adanac67

emma said...

Thanks to you both for your kindness and support. Means a lot. Em.

purkul said...

hi m,

today, m is a blip on the horizon of forever! if its rubbish forget about it, if its great you'll always have it to look back on fondly!

nae bother

purkul
x

Alec said...

I know what you mean. I've been guilty of exactly the same thing, and managed to suppress it for a long time.

Openness is hard. There have been a few times when I've actually trembled with nerves because I found it so difficult, but it's always worthwhile.

Well done for dealing with this.