Routing

The American saying routing like the British would say the word route (but with ing). The British call it routing in a sort of rout style with ing on the end. What ever you call it, I've been routing with my router for some hours over the last two days, my hands are shaking and my knees are weak (I am in fact All shook up - but whilst it may be love, it's more likely to be the vibration from the router).

It's fab - what can I say - so far made 3 boxes for the spuds only 10 more to go and I'm glad to say (as are the neighbours and him in doors) I'm getting quicker (it's an awfully noisey noise).

Funny ol' time.

You know when you know that things aren't quite right and you know why, and you ignore it or you worry about it and try to ignore it and then eventually you can't ignore it anymore. Well, I've been through that for the past few months.

Nagging doubts, real heart pounding anxieties, sick feeling in your stomach, negative thoughts - the whole anxiety experience (sounds like a band). In fact reading this post reminds me and frankly I don't want (nor need) reminding. But what I discovered more than any other time previously is how I kept this worry going. I fed it and gave it life and made it grow. It also made me realise how anxious I had been in years gone by, I just didn't recognise it. I mastered it as a child - feeling very afraid a lot of the time and bravardo eventually won through. Could have been very different. My Mum helped.

In the end, I lessened the worry by being honest, with myself and others around me and that was such a relief. How powerful it is to be honest. To say what's on your mind, not in a harsh way - just in a way that is clear and straight forward. Then I started to remind myself of what's important. My Mum used to say, never lose sight of what's important, and I had. Life is simple and I was making it complicated. For the first time, I had to draw on my own resources, to pull myself back to the path that felt right. I had to try harder, to make more effort. I had often said it, but not really understood what that meant. It has something (a lot) to do with confidence. Knowing and believing that what you say and what you do has integrity.

And (for me at least) how right Domenica is - what ever the question - love is the answer.

I'm sure that I'll face harder more questioning times than I have recently - I just don't want to forget this lesson. So if I write it down I can refer to it later.

Right, that's that over with - going to plant some sweetpeas tomorrow - how fabulous. And I might plant some spuds if I can get the wood to make the boxes. Have spent all day thinking it was Saturday - bit of a blow, but never mind.

Just watched Jo Brand on Beeb 1 learning the organ - how incredible - what a woman. One of my claims to fame is that I met Jo Brand when she was performing in the Labour club in Rotherham, 17 years ago. She was just starting out, coz you don't come to Rotherham when you're BIG in showbiz. She was hilarious.

Weather update.

Blizzard, followed by just snow, followed by bright sunshine, followed by sleet, then bit of hail, then more sun, then, snow, then THUNDER (Hello!) then sun then snow...

Would I have the courage?

Whilst lying in bed this morning listening to the radio
a news story came on about a woman called Irena Sendlerowa. She was being honoured at the age of 97 by the Polish government for rescuing 2500 Jewish children from the Warsaw ghetto. Apparently she managed to use the Polish underground army disguised as workmen to smuggle the children out in tool bags.

She was caught and tortuted by the Gestapo but refused to give details as to the whereabouts of the children. Eventually, she was sentenced to be executed but escaped after her guards were bribed.

The courage it must take to do such a thing is extraordinary. When I read the blogs here, I'm struck by this too. Simon's blog about helping the chap home, such a selfless act and Alec's determination not to stand during the speech of the Chief exec despite the pressure of EVERYBODY else standing. And the way people talk about their experiences so honestly. Would I have had the courage to act alone like that or be to be so open? I would like to think I would - I hope I would - but...

What a difference 3 days make.

Last night was the last night of the production of a play at a local high school - nothing much to blog about perhaps. But there hasn't been one in the last 7 years. So, for 3 nights after 5 months of organising and rehearsing it all came together. There were 11 musicians and over 50 actors (including the choir) in one way or another a fifth of the school were involved. It happened because of one persons drive, which quickly became two peoples' determination and from there it was never in doubt. Amazing how this can happen. It was a lesson in how to build young people's confidence and aspirations. Here's to you all - last night was a triumph! Thanks for the invite.

Words.

This is from a speech by Arundhati Roy. When I lose my way a little, I read this and it helps me a great deal. It reminds me to concentrate on what I think are the important things in my life.

To love. To be loved.
To never forget your own insignificance.
To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you.
To seek joy in the saddest places.
To pursue beauty to its lair.
To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple.
To respect strength, never power.
Above all, to watch.
To try and understand.
To never look away.
And never, never, to forget

Not a lot of people know that!

Did you know that the National Archives of Wales in Aberystwyth has 118 miles of shelves? And on average a runner (i.e collector of requested archive material) walks 7 miles per day!